Cheers to my first Blog post, “Pain, Passion, Purpose”.
I wrote this blog post a year ago but didn’t publish it until September 2020 when I launched my blog. If you haven’t read it, here’s your chance.
What fueled me to write again happen to be due to a traumatic experience that I endured two years ago. Writing was my cry for help, a way to release the emotions I had suppressed. I put all of my pain on paper. I was enraged, heartbroken and unprotected. What I needed was to be heard but silence kept me close by covering it up. I tried to explain it but still I felt alone and helpless. I knew I had to leave but I didn’t know how. I would document the arguments that occurred, the physical abuse and the hurtful words that were said. Sadly, I wrote how I blamed myself, “If I wouldn’t have done this or if I would’ve kept quiet then I wouldn’t be in pain.”. Who I was, taught me to transform into the woman I am becoming today. The lack of self love, the sense of self and security was evident. I needed to build boundaries that were nonexistent and show myself compassion for allowing it to continue. I wrote out affirmations and began speaking life back into me. It’s empowering once you speak out those positive words or speaking out the things you want to see manifest. Looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “I am!” makes all the difference. “I am deserving. I am whole. I am loving”. It was time for healing and restoration. Sarah Jakes Roberts once said in her book (actually one of my favorites), Don’t Settle for Safe, “Walking away is a process. The final step is actually leaving, but long before your feet move, your heart and mind begin packing up their bags.”. That day had finally came when I made the decision to choose myself. On September 24, 2018, here’s what I wrote:
date: 9-24-2018 time: 8:06pm
“Today consisted of change. I never thought I’d see this day. The day I decided to walk away. To walk away from the pain we’ve brought upon each other. Addicted to the toxicity, I could no longer be apart of it. I’m not happy that I hurt you. I know you hurt me and it stung. It was excruciating. I only hoped that you were understanding enough to know that what was going on was unhealthy for us. We fought each other instead of fighting it. I will remember the good but as well as the bad which serves as a reminder that we would never be.” -vlg
Rediscovering myself was worthwhile. Here’s a quote I wrote down, “A healing outside starts from the inside.”. I wrote about the good days too because it gave me hope that I will be just fine. Long before I knew it I was writing out what inspired me, what I loved and event ideas I had wanted to see manifest on my college campus. DIY projects, home decor ideas, thrift hauls, food recipes, and self love was only a few of newfound interests.
My passion for writing stemmed from passing letters out to my friends in middle school, keeping a diary about boys I crushed on and writing poetry at the age of thirteen. Reflecting back on the years and realizing why I stopped, my writing was exposed. Writing is a safe haven and it’s never to intentionally harm anyone, it’s simply my own thoughts and feelings because I am writing through my own lens. Truly this is my personal life experience whether there are those that can relate to it or not. Writing is what I can go back to and relive, relearn and reflect.
For years I planned and researched for this exact moment. Creating outlines and vision boards to direct me into knowing exactly what it is that I wanted. I’ve watched YouTube videos from people who were experts. I didn’t know what to do or how to start but later learning that the only thing that you need to do is start. I must admit that fear has prolonged this journey because it requires stepping out of my comfort zone. How I knew this is what I wanted was because it kept me up at night. It became that one thing I couldn’t let go of. There were moments that I pushed it to the side due to feeling like “oh, I can worry about this later” but I knew something was missing. I would resort back to the drawing board.
What inspired me the most about it all was finding @blackgirlswhoblog on Instagram. When I tell you… I was flushed with amazement witnessing Black women be creative in their own ways through blogging. There was a range from Beauty, Fashion, Travel, Lifestyle and Food bloggers. That page keeps me going and a constant reminder that I need to stop playing with my own potential and put myself out there although it’s rather scary to do so.
Seeking your purpose may create uncertainty and instill a desire to search for something that seems never ending. Don’t be discouraged. What’s for you could be right in front of you. I admire those that know exactly what they want out of life; whether that is to leave an impact on children and become a teacher or having that entrepreneurial spirit and owning a business. I‘m more on the indecisive side of things. I know what I don’t want but I don’t know what I want.. if that makes sense. It’s like having to describe yourself using three words but personally I can’t choose because it’s so many words to choose from and I can’t decide which words best describe me. Honestly, I think I make things more complicated than I should or I could just be in my head psyching myself out.
Again, writing helps me better understand everything. I asked, “why do people gravitate to you?”, and easily I decided, “well people usually are comfortable to come vent to me”. Knowing this had led me to believe that I wanted to become a therapist. Not only by being a listening ear but mental health overall fascinated me especially within the Black community. I understood the importance of mental health when my own well-being was at stake. After that subsided, I thought of becoming a flight attendant because traveling is an aspiration of mine and I value freedom. While in the midst of applying, corona had other plans.
Taking those moments to self reflect provided me with insight that I was unable to see. Through writing, I took note to what I deemed valuable. I created a list of goals I wanted to achieve. As I stated before, it seems like a never ending journey but it’s the process that will build character development, it’s through the process that your faith will be tested and through the process where you’re taught those valuable life lessons.
The point I am making here is that I still don’t know what my purpose is. I am unsure if creating this blog is my purpose, it could be apart of it. I do believe that God has greater plans for me than I do for myself and I trust that embracing this new beginning by starting this blog will assist me with finding that. More importantly, I am thankful for having the opportunity of sharing that with you all.