Giving Myself The Freedom
To feel liberated, is empowering. When I cut my hair off for the first time, that was empowering. It was the decision that gave me that sense of power, that I am free to do what I wanted and when I wanted and I had control over it but it isn't always the case.
"Why is it that I don’t go after what I want? I tell myself I want to live freely but I choose not to do it forgetting that I have the power to do them.. idk if that makes sense lol but yeah." -me
In that moment I felt that I couldn’t find the right words but there were others that understood what I was saying. I went on to say that I was waiting for the "okay". As if someone was holding me back from doing whatever it was that I wanted to do but in reality it is me. I’m not giving myself the freedom, like I don’t deserve it. It can be as simple as, enjoying a meal alone every now and then because you are allowed to go without needing anyone else to go along with you or anyone else's permission. The only permission I needed was from myself. In a journal entry, I had written out what freedom meant, which is, "the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint" or "the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved. Liberation, release.".
I must reference my upbringing for seeking it out. I wanted to run track when I was younger but I had terrible asthma as a child. I wanted to stay out a little bit longer but the street lights were on. I am understanding that it was to protect my wellbeing. There were limitations. Pursuing freedom was not rooted in ill intent. It was only personal that the path that I've chosen was mine and not because a family member or friend thought it would be better for me. It was to eliminate the fears and projections of what was directed and to not give anyone the power to interfere. Struggling with indecisiveness has brought me to conclude that when I had given myself the freedom to trust in my decisions, invariably they were the best decisions made.
Speaking out about what I know and what I want is empowering. Doing anything less or dimming my light for the comfortability of others is a hindrance. It’s not to say that I think of myself as superior. The best way I can word this is that you are allowed to hold yourself to a high standard, you are allowed to be outspoken, you are allowed to make the best decisions for you and the list goes on. Giving myself the freedom is standing firm in my beliefs and not doubting myself. Giving myself the freedom is not allowing the opinions of others to overtake what I think of myself. Giving myself the freedom is saying “no” and not having to explain why. Giving myself the freedom is allowing myself to change my mind because I can do that and that's on Mary had a little lamb.
How will you give yourself freedom?