#WellnessWednesday: Recognizing Self Sabotaging Behavior


This week took a turn, one that I did not expect. I participated in some emotional unpacking which led to the realization that I self-sabotage. When I become overwhelmed it's usually a buildup so that is what happened to me, while at work when I failed a quiz when I had received training minutes before. It was evident that I had been distracted. Truthfully, when the explosion of emotions had erupted that is when I delved into seeking the root. I researched the impact of self-sabotaging, particularly in relationships and after reading it I could easily relate to the subjects. This further put me in a rabbit hole of digging deeper into what could cause it like attachment style theory. I am aware of what attachment styles are and it so happened that someone on Instagram that I follow (@brittsobougieee) posted a reel about it a couple days ago but in case you aren't familiar with attachment style theory, there are four types: Anxious/Preoccupied, Avoidant/Dismissive, Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant, and Secure. To find out what your attachment style is, click the link to take the quiz. I associate with the Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant attachment and in summary it states that:


"On one hand, they want to belong. They want to love and be loved. While on the other hand, they are afraid to let anyone in. They have a strong fear that the people who are closest to them will hurt them.".


To be quite honest, reading that attachment style wasn't the easiest for me because it's described as the most challenging of all but for starters, the important thing was to identify with the attachment style to determine how I self-sabotage in relationships. Transitioning from an unhealthy relationship, the hardship of adjusting to one that doesn't compare is a struggle in most cases because of the environment that you were once used to. It is always encouraged to give yourself time to work through your own trauma and healing. I know I had given myself time but when you are in it and going through experiences you become triggered and discover more things about yourself you hadn't before. The healing process is tricky because you could overcome a particular area and become confident in feeling that you are "healed". The healing process is one that isn't linear. Then, you face another battle. This one scares me due to not knowing how to work through self-sabotaging behaviors especially without hurting someone I care for. It takes more than journaling which I am an advocate of. This attachment style requires something much bigger than me. In the article, I read that trust is a prime factor of someone being a Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant type. We need people that are trustworthy. Of course, therapy is suggestive but it's easier said than done pertaining to accessibility, cost and/or having access to a therapist that looks like me (cultural competence). I mean yeah, I listen to Therapy for Black Girls podcast but as Dr. Joy Harden Bradford states, it isn't a substitute for a relationship with a licensed therapist and it is true. Tips and advice can be given to an extent but what about the rest? The real work of it all. Therefore, I am setting a goal to seek and find a therapist that matches what I want but need.


It's easy to Google a topic and get frightened by it. I know that such behaviors like holding grudges, looking for an exit, avoiding, and criticism isn't healthy at all. Like seriously, I do not want to be one to be tripping off an occurrence from a year ago. Believe it or not, I want to let things go. I know there is true peace in that. I thought I was someone that could forgive with ease but the matter at hand haunts me because of holding on to things that weren't truly forgiven. Ashamed of that behavior and feeling hopeless in the idea of wondering if I am capable of overcoming this due to its challenges and detriments of withholding an attachment style that is labeled the most difficult. I wasn't sure if I could find the distinction of self-sabotaging versus trusting my intuition. I prayed to God, wondering why do I constantly do this? Is this real or am I participating in behavior that is detrimental? That very day, I received my prayer for the day that comes from Luke 16:10, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." and then later on, the emotional unpacking happened. I realized this and so I am sharing it willingly because maybe you resonate or would like to know more about your attachment style to better yourself and your relationships. I must say this is a difficult one to process but acknowledgement is essential to accountability. May you find healing in your journey.