Dear journal,

It's me again. It's been awhile since I actually had written in here. Two months. That's how long it's been. I had resorted to writing in my notes app in my phone but there is nothing putting a pen to paper. There was a point in my life that I carried my journal and wrote daily. It seem as if I were in a better headspace when not holding everything in. See that's the issue, that's my toxic trait, withholding until it erupts. How much do I think I can take? Why do I feel as if I'm 'strong' enough to handle it or let things be? Ya know, I pride myself in being a self care advocate but it does take authenticity, accountability and courage to share not only the good, but the bad and the ugly also. Personally, I don't believe my reasoning is based on being ashamed of the perception of weakness although I understand it is a factor, what I believe is wanting the exact sentiment that is given out by me which was having a listening ear, a safe space free of judgement. The feeling of dismissiveness is a foundation of my toxic trait and it has led me to do that of my own because it was received from others so I felt why not withhold to avoid it all? Ignoring my own feelings has been my specialty, no matter how much I attempt to 'mask' it when it is visually evident. "It's okay" or "Don't worry about it" are my go-to lines. Truthfully, I don't notice the overwhelming feeling of withholding until the end. It's like, I go on and on and on until I'm stressed out and than having to back track what is the underlying cause. I have acknowledged that I know I do these things and that's always a first step with any problem is identifying it. It's been moments where I searched for a therapist, specifically one relatable concerning demographics but that search has not been successful. This also consists of being honest about one's feelings and understand that you don't have to always be protective of the response when it comes from a place of love and not spite. It takes work and growth to communicate effectively but also trust. Who do you really trust in your life to be vulnerable with? On a spiritual note, I know that I can go to God about whatever it is and I haven't been intentional. It's like, all of your life you have been told to "pray about it" and I am not turning that down, but recognizing my needs, I know there is more to maintaining my mental health. This blog post is a journal entry from my journal, as I had expressed in the beginning maybe that is something I need to get back into. As I reflect, it's always good to reconnect and restore what has been lost, if it served you well and good for you mentally. Life can gets us off track but it is up to us if we want to align ourselves again and I choose to do that.